I have been fighting with myself lately. No. Not in a schizophrenic way. More like a weighing pros and cons over and over kind of way.
I have hit a threshold.
A person can only fight their purpose for so long before they need to just give in and go with the flow. I have fought my purpose to the point of dreaded confusion.
I’m deeply confused.
On one hand, I want financial independence, creative flow and to be able to sell my amazing crafts – whatever I decide to make.
On the other hand, I want to be healthy, happy and guide my offspring to be the best people they possibly can.
Why are these mutually exclusive? Because they interfere with each other constantly. One is always trying to overtake the other. Health loses, selling crafty wares loses, which means financial independence loses, then happiness loses and I’m left struggling to guide my children in a state of deep depression while crocheting feverishly. It doesn’t work.
I have recently assessed the last 34 years and figured out there is one thing I have not tried yet. What is it? Giving up. No really. I’ve made soap, greeting cards, bags, lip balm, baby legs, lace, recycled a small thrift store amount of clothing, upcycled garbage, and created an obscene amount of digital files. Giving up is not in that list (even if I did leave out hundreds of things). I have yet to just give up trying.
Some would say I have tread on because I have a strong entrepreneurial spirit. Some will say I’m tenacious. Yet others will call me crazy, relentless and stubborn. I say that I’m a survivor and that’s what survivors do. Survive.
I’m done surviving.
You’re reading it wrong if you think this a public suicide note. Honestly, that perception is just plain retarded and you’re totally not listening.
I’m going to attempt instead just existing. Existence is just going with the flow and riding the wave like a body surfer. When things come my way, I’ll participate. But I will not pursue that almighty dollar (shit, this is basically just a reminder to myself, so I’m honestly surprised that you’ve read this much). Instead, I will just exist.
I’m financially stable, even though my partner is stingy with the cash. I’m comfortable and have lifestyle that supports being a great mom and awesomely healthy.
Prioritize. I suppose that’s what needs to happen. I’ve been creating for sale for so long, I’m not sure if I know how to do otherwise. I’ll try. What’s the worse that can happen?