Fuckity fuck fuck

So tired of trying and not getting anywhere. Marketing is bullshit. Friends are bullshit (mostly). Everything in life is bullshit and I’m fucking tired. When am I supposed to get thick skin? It seems to shed itself once a month. I feel like a lizard that just molted today (and yesterday). I need to find a cold dark cave to veg in for a couple days.

Sometimes

I just want to watch the world burn.

Welcome to Arizona Bay!

Video games not porn

How to make a woman feel inadequate

Or

How to ruin any relationship

Or

How to completely fuck up your kids

All appropriate titles to this post…

Play video games all day making sure you’re not interruptible.

Protected: My life right now

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October can’t come sooner

This house I’ve lived in for two and a half years and had my daughter in is not mine. I get reminded of that constantly.

I don’t work because I’m a stay at home mom. So my money is not my own. I get reminded of that constantly.

When I moved into this house, I was expected to get rid of everything. So everything here is not my own. I get reminded of that constantly.

So, I am left with nothing but the clothes in the closet, my crafting supplies, an outdated computer, a calphalon pan set, a dresser, some knickknacks and a chair and stool set.

I have never felt welcome here and am treated with little respect. I am expected to do everything including stuff that has nothing to do with me. If I don’t do it, my son is expected to.

If I protest, it’s disregarded. If I threaten to leave, it’s disregarded. If I attempt to become independent, it’s squashed and I’m reminded of why my son and I are allowed to live here.

I am expected to take care of this man, this baby and this house and nothing else. If anything else comes first, like my son, it’s squashed.

I don’t like how I’m treated, so I’m leaving. I have no idea where I’m going. I have no idea how to take most of my stuff, but I’m leaving.

Fuck up thing? My youngest son is flying into town on Thursday and I can’t be homeless with him. I will have to stay put for another month until he leaves. Waiting. Wondering. Impatient for October 2nd.

With piss and vinegar

What the fuck is wrong with people? Bullying people into submission is the bees knees? Really? Your life is so meaningless that you have to post death threats and fucked up rumors about someone you don’t know in order to sleep at night.

Or is it that you’re really not getting any sleep and your cranky ass has to take it out on someone.

Fuckin get a life douchebags! (douchebag douchebag douchebag)(obscure Metalocalypse reference)

So, why am I all bent out of shape? Because of a recent post on ittybiz.com.Naomi Dunford is being attacked by a hate group that is seriously threatening her life. And, add this to the already useless Christian douchebags who have launched a smear campaign against her and Dave Navarro. WTF? Do people have so much time on their hands that they have to ruin someone else’s life?

I guess so.

Get your rocks off. Go ahead. I guarantee not one of you will be given the golden ticket at the end of life (for those who care about that) or the amazingness that is true happiness.

Jsyk, true happiness doesn’t come from other peoples misery, no matter how much you think it’s helping them (it’s clearly not and if you think this is any way to get your husband back, you’re delusional). True happiness, the kind that makes you tingle, leaves a permagrin on your face and attracts people to you (whether you like it or not, this happens) comes from helping people and building them up. Breaking people down just ruins your chances at ever going to heaven (dumbass) and keeps you in a constant state of flux, killing you slowly until you have a heart attack while masturbating to dogs fucking in your neighbors yard. That will be the worlds only respite from your vindictive bullshit. Oh praise the day!

So, any way you look at it, your life is a waste as you brought people down with you. Thanks for being awesome. Now to figure out how to get your Internet taken away. Being human, you’re doing it wrong.

disclaimer: this post was edited as it was written in a burst of fiery rage and vehement anger. There may be errors. Fuck off.

Giving up

I have been fighting with myself lately. No. Not in a schizophrenic way. More like a weighing pros and cons over and over kind of way.

I have hit a threshold.

A person can only fight their purpose for so long before they need to just give in and go with the flow. I have fought my purpose to the point of dreaded confusion.

I’m deeply confused.

On one hand, I want financial independence, creative flow and to be able to sell my amazing crafts – whatever I decide to make.

On the other hand, I want to be healthy, happy and guide my offspring to be the best people they possibly can.

Why are these mutually exclusive? Because they interfere with each other constantly. One is always trying to overtake the other. Health loses, selling crafty wares loses, which means financial independence loses, then happiness loses and I’m left struggling to guide my children in a state of deep depression while crocheting feverishly. It doesn’t work.

I have recently assessed the last 34 years and figured out there is one thing I have not tried yet. What is it? Giving up. No really. I’ve made soap, greeting cards, bags, lip balm, baby legs, lace, recycled a small thrift store amount of clothing, upcycled garbage, and created an obscene amount of digital files. Giving up is not in that list (even if I did leave out hundreds of things). I have yet to just give up trying.

Some would say I have tread on because I have a strong entrepreneurial spirit. Some will say I’m tenacious. Yet others will call me crazy, relentless and stubborn. I say that I’m a survivor and that’s what survivors do. Survive.

I’m done surviving.

You’re reading it wrong if you think this a public suicide note. Honestly, that perception is just plain retarded and you’re totally not listening.

I’m going to attempt instead just existing. Existence is just going with the flow and riding the wave like a body surfer. When things come my way, I’ll participate. But I will not pursue that almighty dollar (shit, this is basically just a reminder to myself, so I’m honestly surprised that you’ve read this much). Instead, I will just exist.

I’m financially stable, even though my partner is stingy with the cash. I’m comfortable and have lifestyle that supports being a great mom and awesomely healthy.

Prioritize. I suppose that’s what needs to happen. I’ve been creating for sale for so long, I’m not sure if I know how to do otherwise. I’ll try. What’s the worse that can happen?